[Foreword: this is an example of one of the life-transforming processes facilitated by a simple, four-colour thINKpen®. With just four colours, you can take a robust approach to exploring four perspectives around a specific professional, or, in this case, personal issue.]
…and now, to blog!..
What would it be like if you could team up with your perfect mate who matched you in four dimensions?
Those dimensions would be:
- Your Kindred Spirit – Your Spiritmate – one on the same spiritual path
- Your Soulmate – the one that thinks like you think, and likes what you think!
- Your Heartmate – the one that feels like you feel – with similar emotional and ethical values
- Your Mate! Yes, the one that enjoys a physical connection like you do. High touch, or low touch – whatever you both agree upon as indicative of ‘true love’.
The Good Book talks about finding a ‘Helpmeet‘ – an ancient word from the 1611 transliteration of the Bible in Genesis 2:18 – here, translated ‘helper’ from the WEB.
Yahweh God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
It’s a great word in the original – Ezer – a helper, and one who offers succour. A comforter. Fundamentally, we’re ALL supposed to have someone who is a comforter suitable for us. To quote the Lord’s prayer, I’d have to say,
“Thy will be done, on Earth as it’s planned and lived out in Heaven!”
Perhaps to put it more directly, the Biblical concept is that there’s a part of you missing that needs to be filled physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Without it, you are ‘alone’. Bible said it, must be true.
Another big relationship concept in the Good Book is to make sure you are equally matched in your partnerships. You might find the following verse to sound a bit harsh but, as a minister, I’ve been witness to the tensions caused in relationships where the spiritual dimension is not compatible. This is what 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says…
Don’t be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What agreement has Christ with Belial? Or what portion has a believer with an unbeliever?
The Apostle Paul was grateful that he wasn’t “as other men” in that he claimed he didn’t need a human helpmeet, but I don’t want to be like him! Do you? I’ve got a human-shaped hole – not just the usual spin that’s put on it: “Oh you’ve got a God-shaped hole!” Nope, that God-shaped hole is filled beautifully, and yet I still feel incomplete.
Whether or not you agree with the 2 Corinthians passage above, I’m certain you agree with the principle of compatibility. The more compatible you are with your Life Partner, in all four following dimensions, the easier you will find the journey together.
Now, given the VAST differences between us physically, emotionally, ethically, socially, culturally, spiritually… one size will NOT fit all! Not just anyone will do!
The Nobel Quest
I’ve really been enjoying Tony Robbins’ insights into this. After all, he’s experienced!
He makes the excellent point about the haze of hypnosis that comes over us once the ‘chemistry’ kicks in. His wise suggestion is to get clarity before the chemistry!
You see, if you and I are not clear about what exactly we want in a partner, we’ll settle for less… along with 90% of the human race. But ‘less’ leads to resistance, and resistance leads to resentment, and resentment can lead to retaliation – spiteful comments (and worse) in a relationship, and eventually repression… and then, all of a sudden, you and I will find ourselves in a whole world of pain where we seek solace in activities that have nothing to do with our so-called ‘partner’… just to escape from the dishonest life we are leading. We seek comfort outside the relationship.
And if you thought that was tough, let me be crystal clear on something even worse!
If it’s true that we get what we really, really want, it is also true that we can get what we really, really, really don’t want… unless we interrupt that pattern.
OK, you might be busy.
In which case, stop reading now.
Because, if you’re not prepared to invest time NOW in getting your relationships right, you probably darn-well deserve the rubbish that’s coming your way. I’ve seen your future, and it’s not pretty…
On the other hand, you might just consider your future joyful bliss worth the time it will take to get clarity… clarity about what you really want in a partner AND what you really don’t want. And by the latter, I mean the ‘deal-breakers’ – the characteristics that a partner must not have.
Most people are very clear on what they don’t want.
Shallow though it and I may be, I know I would never find happiness with a smoker, nor with anyone who was passionately dedicated to another faith. As an introvert, I would find living with a high-maintenance extrovert, exhausting. I wouldn’t cope with someone who had low integrity, nor someone who was a lover of money. I’m pretty much allergic to spearmint and peppermint (now you know) so an interesting partner could be the best looking hottie on the planet and I would have ZERO interest in them if I got even the slightest whiff! How weird is that? Still, now you know what my kryptonite is!
Oh, the list goes on. If they were ‘tight’ in the sense of begrudging giving a generous tip, that would be a problem too. Also, if they gave me grief because I was late back because I chose to help someone out, we wouldn’t last long together. Again, if they were critical, or judgmental, we wouldn’t be sustaining a relationship. And they’d have to love my kids and my grand-children. Yes, I know what I don’t want!
First Action List: The Deal-Breakers
Let’s, then, do the easy bit first. What would be a deal-breaker for you? I’m not talking about stuff you simply don’t like; I’m talking about the aspects that someone must nothave if you were to be happy with them long-term. These are the characteristics you will become increasingly aware of once the haze of hypnosis wears off.
This is surprisingly important since, when the hypnosis hits, you won’t see these deal-breakers… until it is too late!
Create your ‘Deal-Breaker’ list under the four headings using four colour inks:
- Spiritually – blue ink for blue-sky thinking, the ethereal aspects to do with the beliefs that would be incompatible
- Psychologically – black ink for black and white cognitive thinking – interests that you wouldn’t share, for example, or psychological traits (such as Introvert vs Extrovert) Those of you who are familiar with NLP will also know about metaprogrammes such as BIG Picture vs detail, and sorting for similarity vs sorting for difference. I would find exhausting to live with someone who consistently sorted for difference. However, the BIG Picture vs detail metaprogramme difference would not be a deal-breaker for me. Equally, this works both ways – anyone too serious wouldn’t survive a week with me!
- Emotionally and Ethically – green ink for ecologically-balanced thinking – emotions and ethics can tear a relationship apart, so be firm in your thinking here. Someone who found it acceptable to lie habitually would break the deal for me. Surprisingly high on my priorities are manners – even to the point of bad manners or absent manners being a Deal-Breaker.
- Physically – red ink for passionate action in the physical realm. This can include dress sense, if that’s a potential deal-breaker too. What about your home – would it be a Deal-Breaker if they were messy? How about if they were too tidy – would that stress you out?
Second Action List: Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Of course, there’s a far more positive world out there. What we’re aiming to do is create what Professor David Ingvar (of the University of Lund, Sweden) called (in Swedish!) a ‘Memory of the Future.’
The ‘memory’ will preload your Reticular Activating System to ‘notice’ opportunities to meet your ideal Helpmeet. You’ve experienced this time and time again when you suddenly hear your name being mentioned over the din of a busy networking event. Your Reticular Activating System is so attuned to the significance of your name that you can filter out distracting hubbub and hear it. How much more so, then, is it important to preset your RAS with the codes that alert you to the presence of your potential ‘Significant Other’!
Go through the headings again and write down what you must have
- Spiritually – remember, in blue, for blue sky thinking – what do you hold to be sacred and worthy of worship? What beliefs must you share? How much overlap must there be, or is there room for creative differences?
- Psychologically – black for the clarity of cognitive thinking. What subjects are they interested in? What subjects would you like to take for hours with them about? Are they museum-friendly or are they into sport… or both, or neither? Would going to the Zoo excite them or bore them? Do they have to be whacky or straight? Weird or normal (whatever that means!)? Loud or quiet? Gentle or brash? Would you want them to be compliant – usually agreeing with you – or would you like someone who is happy to challenge you regularly?
- Emotionally and Ethically – green for Gaia – your ecologically sound thinking – values, mission, vision, purpose, meaning – the tree-buggy stuff! Seriously, are they upset about animal rights or merely slightly concerned? What makes their heart pump faster?
- Physically – red ink for matter – earthy, passionate, action-focused thinking – what must they do to be attractive to you? How must they look, sound, move, behave, smell, and taste? What about kids? Pets? Tidiness? And a huge one – what would their attitude to ‘money’ be? Are they happy to live a simple, natural lifestyle, or are they after the fast-car, the boat, the second home? Are there aspects of how they look a must or just a ‘nice if’?
Hey, you’ll be surprised what your brain will come up with. I even know what my Life Partner’s favourite tune is because we’ll share ‘our song’! Can you guess what it is?
That’s a must for me – ‘cos it’s a Divine sign that we really are attuned to my heartsong… it’s part of the storyline I’ve set into my Reticular Activating System with my own memory of the future.
Aside from any other benefit, the hypnosis is coming. You’ll meet many people on your journey who will trigger your physical chemical ‘Yes!’ response. Not all of them – in fact, the VAST majority of them – will be a poor match for you… and some will be down-right ‘wrong’!
So prime your filters to choose at least those with a chance of winning. Give your brain clarity around what you do and don’t want.
Then again, there’s an additional hidden benefit to this approach which I am about to unveil. It’s a BIG one!
YOU are the most powerful factor in attracting your kindred-spirit-soul-mate-heart-mate-helpmeet-mate!
Because the real joy in this process is the realisation is that you really aren’t good enough at the moment to attract your ideal mate! That sounds harsh, doesn’t it?
But it’s true
If you are to lift the standards of whom you’d like to attract into your life as the ‘ideal’ – you equally will have to lift your own standards – your own list of ‘musts’ as seen through their eyes in your imagination.
Let’s think about you and me for a minute… and I’ll use me as an example ‘cos this is harsh…
- Spiritually… I need to develop! I’m still way too angry at the Universe for what a rubbish place I feel it to have been so far (and I’ve had a good life!) I need to find my own inner peace and reconcile myself to my expectations (i.e. revising them, but not necessarily downwards!) so that I can be a more joyous bunny more consistently! No princess (of the calibre I desire) will want to be around Captain Grumpy or Darth Lex!
- Psychologically… I need to mature. I still forget that I can only control the controllables. This means that my unrealistic expectations over what I can control mentally still lead to frustration. Somewhen I need to wake up and realise that stuff just happens outside of my circle of influence and sometimes resides in my circle of concern where I cannot make an impression. I need to learn to control my state of mind, my thoughts, and my mouth! Oh, and I need to stop getting cross with inanimate objects as if they had it in for me (computer – please note!)
- Emotionally… I need to be more open and honest about my feelings – and not bottle things up, leaving them until they become big issues. I’m really into the positive emotions: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, respect, good manners, goodness, giving, gentleness and being a gentleman… but I’ll often hold back on being honest with friends because I’m still, in a small way, a people-pleaser. Folks, that’s NOT true love. Yes, I want to make you happy, but not if that means not telling the truth. I need to speak the truth in love.
- Physically… hey, I think I’ve been honest enough above for you to get the point. I will say, however, that everybody who knows me also knows that I am unhealthily bulky! My dream princess is unlikely to really be looking for a ‘Fat Knight’ riding rapidly towards a heart-attack!
Thus, this is actually the really exciting bit… this is the bit that really is under your control:
We attract the people we are!
Which means that if you are not yet enjoying life to the full with your dream-mate, it’s because you’ve also got some work to do on yourself!
The miracle of attraction begins with changing you
Gandhi said, allegedly,
Be the change you want to see
Do you remember I mentioned about controlling the controllables? (Actually, I got that from Paul Avins – thanks mate!) YOU are the most immediately available clay that you can get into shape. Be clear about exactly whom you want to attract into your life, then start working on transforming yourself into the perfect partner for your dream-mate. Redesign yourself as the Yin to their Yang, or the Yang to their Yin. Make yourself ready for the calibre of partner your heart, soul, spirit, and body desire!
Mirror-mirror it’s too true, you’ll attract one just like you!
Sounds like quite a project to me!
Let’s get to it!
Lex ‘Slim’ McKee!